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“Composing” your own rap song is quite easy, so I want to show you how to do it. Below are a few pointers that cover most of the er, intricacies of rap. If ever you run into an apparent case of “composer’s block,” remember the sure fix: you’re thinking too hard. Make it simple. Unless you re-evaluate your definition of “simple,” you will never be able to compose rap. It will simply be too sophisticated.

1) Mention yourself. Nothing is cooler than a rapper who praises himself. Plus, it’s a lyrical staple.
2) Mention yourself again. This time, be sure it is in reference to kicking the tush of another rapper you don’t like (i.e., anyone who isn’t you).
3) Never use correct grammar. If you do, it isn’t rap.
4) Swear whenever possible. The more vulgar the better.
5) When you can’t think of words to use, shout: “Uh! Uh! What! What!” In fact, even when you know what lyrics you want, stick in the above grunts anyway.
6) Talk as explicitly as possible about having sex and beating people up.
7) Use a 2-measure (maximum) repeating “melody.”
8) Beat does not matter as long as it doesn’t change. However, if you want a little glitz, stick in a single group of four 32nd notes during the last part of each measure.
9) To make sure listeners know this is a different rap song from your enemy-rappers’ (whom you are incidentally planning to gun down after finishing your album), include one extra obscenity.

However, as useful as these tips are, you must also know how to listen to rap music:

1) Ideally, listen while driving your car.
2) Buy a ramshackle sedan. Any newer than 1991 is off limits. Do not take care of it after purchase.
3) Slide down as far as possible in your seat so that you can just slightly see over the dashboard.
4) Tilt your body over to one side.
5) Drive with one hand. However, your hand must be placed at the very top of the steering wheel.
6) Buy sub-woofers and install them in the trunk.
7) Turn on your rap and proceed to select the highest volume level.
8) Turn your bass on full and proceed to blow out your speakers. Be sure that the entire back half of your car rattles uncontrollably.
9) Assume a look of intense disgust and macho-ness.
10) Proceed to cruise around town.

A shot from Mt. Juneau. Taken from this blog, somewhat interesting for its pictures of Alaska.

Charlotte brought this delicious little article to my attention. Resourceful or weird — who knows:

Panda poop to be used for souvenirs

It’s tough to come across a good speaker. The problem with listening to a speech or a political address or a sermon is that, not only does the speaker need to have something good to say, but more importantly, it needs to be said well. And that combination doesn’t happen very often.

What made demagogues like Demosthenes and Saturninus so great was their ability to communicate. Perhaps the content of what they said was quite nice too, but the way they said it is what caught ears.

A few extremely basic rules of grammar and vocabulary (not to mention rhetoric) are the difference between an audience tuning out 10-minute chunks of a seminar and being riveted to the podium without distraction.

1) Rely on the power of words. Emphasis and gestures are secondary, like seasonings on food. If a speaker is constantly stressing words, speaking in strained tones, squatting part-way down to make a point, or waving his appendages without sign of respite, his words may as well not even be said. Can you taste the meat if you load on the salt with a trowel?

2) Get rid of filler phrases: “You know;” “Actually;” “Like.” They’re horribly overused at worst, and at best, they’re a subconscious distraction. One more useless word to listen to and process.

3) Speak in complete sentences. Just because you’re talking and not writing isn’t an excuse to cut yourself off mid-sentence and start another. The listener can follow you but with much more strain, subconscious or not.

4) Learn to love dramatic pauses. It’s a rare (and always compelling) speaker who will not only stop speaking (for many slow seconds on end) but will completely stop all bodily motion. Complete silence. Complete stillness. And complete audience attention.

5) Avoid meaningless or overly complex phrases: “My belief system is . . .” or “The messaging I’m receiving is . . .” or “What’s your value proposition . . .”

6) Definitely avoid trendy and lazy phrases: “Wigged;” “Dorked up;” “I’ll be all up in your kitchen;” “Hot and bothered.” Cringe heaven.

7) Nix overboard repetition. Phrases that are repeated too often completely lose meaning: “Does that makes sense?” (after every other sentence); “Here’s the thing: . . .” (at the beginning of each restatement of a 10-times-previously-stated idea); “That’s all I’ve got” (at the end of every single address or speech or admonition).

8) And of course, get rid of laughably ironic phrases: “I don’t know what to tell you, but . . . [insert endless stream of already-heard advice].”

Great speakers work hard at what they do. They know what they’re doing. They memorize. They think about each word they say, even though the words just seem to fly off their tongues. That’s why they’re never tuned out.